Wednesday, February 15, 2006

the mystery of tuan dat

So my boss went to Viet Nam and brought me back this Vietnamese candy called Tuan Dat (Cashew Nut Candy). I hate nuts and I don't eat candy but I am so busy that I didn't take time for lunch today so I keep shoving these things in my cake hole cuz I'm starving to death.

So here is a better description of "Tuan Dat:"

Picture an oreo. Now take away the chocolate cookie outside and replace it with a communion wafer and/or the substance used to make those UFO candies we used to eat (and play communiion with as kids) as kids. Or maybe it's a hybrid of that and siding - you know - from a house.

Are you still with me? Remember that this stuff is the outside - the cookie part of the oreo, if you will.

Now. Take this (questionably) edible alloy and on top of one side spread a mixture of pecans, sesame seeds (hey don't ask me i didn't come up with the idea i'm just eating it) and um, I don't know exactly what else this is, crushed glass?

Wait, I have to eat another one just to be sure.

Yep, definitely glass. Or else maybe Amber. You know how those fossilized insects get trapped in Amber? Like mosquitos? And out of those mosquitos you can extract DNA and make dinosaurs for Jurassic Parks? Yeah, it's kind of like that. And guess what else? There are definitely unidentified black blotches in the glassy / ambery substance that are no doubt insects of some sort.

Hold on, my mouth is bleeding.

Okay i'm back. So did I mention pecans? I hate nuts, but truth be told, these pecans are really the best thing about this whole enterprise. And further, I have to tell you, if I'm a pecan, I know what I'd be screaming:

Why the eff would someone do this to me? Who says, let's take some pecans, suspend them in glass, then smash it between two pieces of communion host and also, involve sesame seeds and (alleged) insects.

But I'm hungry as hell so I'm eating it. So I've got that going for me.....which is nice


Blogger Lonnie Bruner said...

Take that, Tuan Dat!!

12:43 PM  
Anonymous Allison the Magnificent said...

You know, I used to work for a Vietnamese attorney named Bill...which, understandably, is not a particularly Vietnamese sounding name, however his given name was Tuan Tran.

My point was, however, that he did not in the least resemble a nutty, reconstructed Oreo, although he did indeed have a ne sais nuttiness about him.

Vietnamese people also have some funny ass names. We had clients named Fat Boy and Fat Bitch (who I believe were properly Phat Bui and Phat Bich). Good times...something just felt inherently wrong about calling someone up and saying "Hello, may I please speak to Fat Bitch?"

5:41 PM  
Anonymous Graham said...

Nice use of a Caddyshack reference.

6:29 PM  

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