Wednesday, February 15, 2006


in case you missed the S.O.T.U. (I've prepared a transcript)

Hi, America, how are you? Now, I'm very honored tonight, because I've got some honor to spread, to you, America, one awkward little soundbite at a time. Oh, yeah, and Hi Congress too I GUESS. Just kidding. Hi congress. Love you. Good times.


1. First of all. Stop telling me what to do! If I want to torture terrorists (or tourists, as I prounounce it, and actually, I've been thinking about expanding my torture network anyway), I will. So shove it McCain or I'll send you right back to the tiger cages. I'm also going to wiretap your ass.

2. Smirk, smirk.

3. America is Super Double Number One! Forever!

4. Employment! During my Administration! Walmart! Jobs.

5. Yeah, yeah, you got me, haw haw. I screwed us royally and lied to all you gullible bastards regarding the War in Iraq. But let's all put that behind us because now we REALLY are fucked! Considering all my costly mistakes and grave errors, there's no possible way to pull out without starting WWIII. Ha ha! I mean, this is a grave situation. Just ask those three people there. They lost a son. Well two of them, the kinda hot lady there is newly single. wink wink. The dead guy, this brave soldier, he wrote a letter. A letter of honor. Like something out of braveheart. His parents and widow are here just one month after his death to stand up for America. (reads letter) See America, he died in Iraq so they wouldn't have to die in Iraq. So you wouldn't have to die. In America. Ever. I like corndogs. Nobody dies in America! Could you guys, I mean, could the family of the fallen soldier please stand up tonight? Yeah, standing up for America. For me. Wink wink. (camera reverses focus to grief-stricken, exploited family. Camera returns to Prez, enjoying applause). Thank you. No, really. Thank you. Thank you. Wink, wink!

[Editors note: Did the winking strike anyone else as horrifying, considering these poor exploited people were standing there fighting tears and truly believing they were honoring their departed loved one by letting this dick stand there and wink and make no effort to seem sincere while they fight back tears? I mean, crap on a stick what an asshole!! I want to hit him with a shovel.]

6. Isolationists, beware. We could be best friends with a dictator in Iran that merely suppresses his people in a way that doesn't deprive us of oil! Might as well face it we're addicted to oil. Technology for fuel efficient cars is the answer! But I'll refuse to sign any legislation with any teeth! And you, Europe! That's enough out of you. You better shut up I mean it! Remember when we had to save your asses from the Romans? (aide whispers in ear) I mean the Nazis and the Commies? We asked for nothing in return. (aide passes folded note) uh - that is to say, asked for nothng except your eternally grateful subterfuge. Subservience! I meant subservience. I always get those mixed up. Did I pronounced that right? What I mean to say is, did our brave soldiers die so you could disagree with us? (camera reverses shot to family of fallen soldier, standing and holding one another and clapping confusedly).

7. I love Laura. Doessn't she look pretty, Congress? Blue. And Black people. I love them both! America's economy could NOT survive without immigrants and blacks! I also like blacks in Africa enough to pretend I'm going to give them some money for their AIDS problem. (the frisky fornicating bastards). That reminds me of a joke I heard one time...these two Africans walked into a bar - oh, right. Sorry. What was I saying....?

8. Yay America!

9. Hi Alito! There he is. Hi, Sammy boy! No more activist judges, right? wink wink. But hey, just one thing, feel free to strike down pesky Congressional laws that seek to mitigate my uncontrolled expansion of executive power. I'm the President! I can do whatever I want despite the opposition of Congress and the lower courts. That's not judicial overrreach, that's how we do it in America. (smirks)

[Editors note: Does the prospect of a presidency unrestrained by the courts or congress worry strike anyone else as imperialism?!!??]

10. Hey guys, do me a favor - make my tax cuts permanent. I know they've sunken us into the largest deficit scenario, ever. But I need them to pay wealthy people to vote for me and as an excuse to cut domestic entitlement programs! I'm going to cut 140 of them! I'd cut welfare, but my buddy Clinton (one of Daddy's two favorites - see I"m endearing and funny!) already did that for me so I'll have to find another focus. Ok here's one: down with healthcare for the poor! Oh wait, did someone just tell me that the polls say Americans support affordable health care? Oops! You know I'm clumsy with words. What I meant to say is "Up with healthcare for the poor!" Up! Up! Up! Sike. God, I can say anything here! It's like I have tourrettes! (wink wink).

Okay America, that's all the winking I can handle. God Bless America. Good night.


Blogger mrhappypants said...

And I thought *I* had a lot of energy.

1:06 AM  

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